Unsolicited and Inexpert Dating Advice

Who wants dating advice from people who are good at it anyway?

Dear Ones,

What a wild year January was, right? Here in the PNW we experienced a huge snow and ice storm that changed a lot of plans, prevented many of us from leaving our homes for days, and was really challenging on a multitude of different levels. Even my sweet dentist said that he felt the covid PTSD come up during that week (shout out to Sandy Dental, the most gentle and kind caregivers for those of us with medical trauma).

And, here we are in February, the month of Veda’s birth, which was a turning point in my life. Their due date was February 9th, and I remember wishing so hard that they would not be born on Valentine’s day. I knew—or maybe projected onto them—that the pressure of that holiday might make birthdays feel a certain way. If you were born on Valentine’s day and don’t feel a certain way about it, hallelujah, and I wholeheartedly celebrate your earned security. My kid was seven days late, so in my young 22 year old mind, we made it, the first hurdle we ever leapt together.

All of this to say that I realize this is my first post in a beat, and I apologize to those of you who look forward to them so much. So do I. The process of writing about my life like this has been such a gift. And, sometimes that said life takes me in another direction. I broke a toe, there was a storm, I had a PTSD response to needing to go to the emergency room so they could reset my toe, and I didn’t sleep well for a minute. C’est la vie. This month I have also had the opportunity to really feel into what kind of artist I am. There will not always be the heart pounding poetry of “Be Normal,” or some of my writing on grief. The muse does not always dance palm to palm, and trying to force it feels misaligned. So this new moon, I offer you my quirky dating insights.

There is such a focus on relational, intimate partner kind of love this month that I thought I would write a little bit about what it’s like to date. Even the Buddhist podcast I enjoy has had a focus on relationships, so yeah, it's everywhere, so I may as well offer an alternative perspective that might make you laugh. Also, kind of fuck you to Dan Harris though, right?

A little disclaimer. I could give a shit about Valentine’s day. I am literally getting a cavity filled that afternoon. I struggle with the narrative that a person needs to be partnered in order to enjoy a fulfilling, joyful life. I have tons of love. All of you, my friends, my kids, colleagues, my dog person Wren Rainbow, therapists and healers, family and chosen family. One of the gifts of divorce was finding out how many ways love moves that does not include making out and sharing a bed with someone.

And, ugh. I don’t even want to write this, but it is true. There is an external cultural pressure when a woman in her 40’s is not partnered that translates into an internal dialogue that is negative and often painful: What’s wrong with me? Did I fuck up my life? Will I be alone forever? That sort of deal. I’m thinking of the Krishnamurti quote: “You might think you're thinking your own thoughts. You're not. You're thinking your culture's thoughts.” When I got divorced everyone, even my therapist, said that I would find another person sooner rather than later—and it’s been later. They all said that I was “just that kind of person.” Now I wonder, who is that kind of person? Did they mean loveable? Or, needy? Unable to make it alone? I could not figure it out. I have not figured it out. I imagine that when I made the leap into a life filled with solitude that I looked toward my people with fear in my eyes, and they told me what they thought I wanted to hear.

What has actually happened has been much less linear. I have loved, and been loved, by multiple humans with whom I have occasionally shared a bed, and not one of them with whom I would want to share a tax burden. I am happy. I love having tons of biodiversity in my love life. It feels healthy, and sustainable. There are no single eggs in single baskets over here. The desire for love from one perfect source feels like a false sense of certainty used to cover my own anxiety and wounding, and a lot like the kind of love the divine offers, not a person, flawed, weird, and like me, often selfish.

Dating is hard. It’s like having another job. There are multiple apps, text chains with people I have never met and may never meet, bots that pretend to be real people (Jared, I’m looking at you buddy…) and when I tried to open my energy and put the vibe out, I ended up just scaring people or getting asked out by students. I love my students, but I don’t date them. Except for that one time when I tried. Sorry for that C, you were wise to turn me down, and I love being your friend. So yeah, it’s tough. And—I learn more about myself through dating than I do anywhere else in my life because it is the one, precious place where I feel like I have no idea what I am doing. It’s like a far off land. It’s groundless. I am a beginner. I don’t speak the language, understand the culture, or have a point of reference from which to make meaning. All of this makes dating feel like the greatest learning laboratory in the world, and, strangely, it makes me a really good couples therapist.

Here, without further adieu, or spilling too much tea, are my current learnings. Enjoy. Be easeful with yourself this month, fuck the patriarchy and the heteronormative life story we are sold as the only way. There are infinite ways to wake up. There are endless ways to love.

Look –

What happens to the scale
When love holds it;

It stops working.

-Kabir

Love you.

Audra

PS If you have a dating question that you would like me to riff on, please write to me info@audracarmine.com. I want to do a little question and poetic answers game with all of you for fun.

PSSS For anyone who works in the nutrition/health coaching field or anyone who holds space for humans who are trying to heal; my go-to person for all things with my own health is Megan Liebmann. The next round of her practitioner mentorship starts at the end of this month  and I highly recommend it for anyone working in this field.
Even if you don’t sign up for the training you will want Megan and the Slow Medicine Collective in your sphere. Megan is no bullshit, sees how toxic the wellness world is, speaks up about it, and she has made it her life's mission to advocate for people who feel lost in these spaces. Here is the link https://www.slowmedicinecollective.com/mentorship

Unsolicited and Inexpert Dating Advice

1. Ask yourself how YOU feel with whomever you are dating.

   So often our focus goes outward. Do they like me? Are they into this? What are they thinking? Will they call? Why didn’t they text back?

   Instead, what would it be like to tune into how you are feeling when you are with this person? Do you feel grounded? Are you in your body? Do you feel like yourself? Do you like yourself when you are with them? This includes all text communication too. Are you happy and excited when they text? Are you scared when they don’t? Is it too pushy? All of that is part of the overall energy of how you feel around a person. It doesn’t matter what your friends think, or if that person likes you, or even if they are kind. It doesn’t matter if their last partner was the coolest person on instagram. If you feel strange and off around them, that’s enough to say “No thank you, I do not want to see you again.” If you feel connected to Self and awake, maybe there is something worth exploring. That’s up to you and how you want to feel when it comes to romance.

2. Consider how YOU want to feel.

   Do you want to feel funny, curious, sexy, serious, confident, mysterious, safe, interesting, playful, adventurous? There are no wrongs or rights here. This is about you being you, and staying connected with what feels in alignment with how you want to feel in this life. Last year my focus was on forgiveness, so I found myself unpartnered and not dating most of the year, and that was aligned. This year my focus is on softness, strength, and abundance so I have been dating a lot, and noticing who I feel that soft strength with, and who I feel that sense of scarcity with: am I good enough? am I smart enough? Here is something to note, just because one human brings that feeling of lack up in you, does not mean that they will call up that energy in everyone. We are energetic beings, and the exchange of energy is very personal.

3. What will you put up with? What won’t you put up with?

   Make a list. Mine includes things like substance use, purpose in life, care for self and others, capacity to dream and vision, having a big life, capacity to take and give space, friendship, travel, will they adventure with me.

4. Call it off sooner than later if your heart says no.

   Listen to that beautiful heart of yours. It knows. If it’s not right, your heart will freely give you that information. I cannot tell you how long it has taken me to trust my intuition in the dating realm. There have been many terrible situations that came as a result of ignoring that one small quiet voice telling me to let them go. I could hear it, and I didn’t listen. I could hear it and I pushed forward anyway. I could hear my heart saying no, and my mind created 1,000 reasons to stay. None of these ended well, which leads us to the next bit of inexpert dating information.

5. Disappointing someone is not the same as harming them.

   We live in a culture that centers comfort, and I want to challenge you to shift that lens. It is okay to be uncomfortable sometimes. It’s how we come to run more miles, climb a beautiful mountain, create more muscle mass, and lean into closeness with another human. Learning how to tolerate discomfort without being reactive is a signal that you are healing, growing, and widening your window of tolerance.

6. Confusion is not passion. Chaos is not attraction.

   I wish that someone had told me this years ago, and I know I would not have listened. The trauma I held in my body resulted in mistaking chaos and confusion for love because that is what my nervous system was familiar with from my childhood. As I have healed I no longer desire the person who uses alcohol and drugs to numb, the one who seems like they are always leaving, the one who treats me poorly and uses my body as an idol to worship—and then destroy—pushing me off the pedestal they themselves have built. This learning has taken my whole life. This untangling has been my work. And, again, it has not been linear or fast, there have been masks and costumes, hiding and running. A thousand different disguises to sift through in order to allow for all of me to show up. Not the real me, just all of me. Ram Dass says, it’s not so much about loving ourselves, it’s about allowing ourselves.

7. Boundaries are for you to make, maintain, and shift when you are ready. A request is when you ask something of another person and they have the option to say yes, no, or to engage in a compromise. Knowing the difference between the two is crucial—thank you Dr. Becky for defining the difference. This is tough medicine, so prepare yourself—the only person who can cross your boundaries is you. (I am not talking about interpersonal violence or abuse here. Nor am I talking about systemic oppression, or abuse. That’s a different essay.) Agency and responsibility are tethered together forever. If we are in our freedom, meaning we have agency in our life, then that also comes with a fierce responsibility to our own integrity and values. Meaning that if we find ourselves in the dance of judgment or blame, I would challenge all of us to pause and look inward. I find that when I am blaming another person for my internal distress, I not only give my power away, but I also give the capacity to ease my own discomfort to another person. Instead, I ask: What need is not being met? How could I meet that need for myself? What would it be like to share my suffering with another person without making them responsible for solving it? As Thich Nhat Hanh says, “Darling, I’m suffering.”